Better With Time

Over the past couple of weeks I have watched myself going on a roller coaster of emotions. I have been at the lowest point in my life to the point I could not pull myself out of bed to a point of self realization. This has probably been the hardest point in my life. I've had to loose people and things that I thought I could hold on to, to understand ME. I've cried myself to exhaustion and now I've been able to realize the real meaning of friendship.

Now, today is a new point. I feel like I have been able to somewhat accept all that has happened in my life in almost a month. I've learned that friendship is the most vital thing in this world. I've learned that relationships are lovely and all, but sometimes it's OK if they don't work out. It's the bond and love that you still contain for that person that matters the most. Friends are what matter most right now.

What I feel will be the challenge for me is finding me. Finding who I am, what I want for me, and how I want to be seen by others. I have made a fool of myself the last month and that is mainly my fault. I kept things in and never let anyone know how I was feeling. I overloaded my dearest friend and didn't rely on the other friends I had because I was too afraid of judgment. No one could ever know the pain I have experienced right now. Everyday I am try more and more to fix that pain instead of just numbing it away. I'm learning about giving myself the personal time I need. I'm learning that it's OK to be alone, because in reality I'm not I still have all my friends that support me the most.

I have definitely turn over a new chapter in my life. The plans I had for my life are gone and I have a fresh page to go off of. Right now is when I must surround myself with things that make me smile, feel the best, and give me the support I need to assist me with making the right decisions in my life. I want to do right this time, but that may not happen. Life is not perfect what-so-ever. Even for that brief shining moment it may feel perfect, it may not be. To find those rare and perfect things in life you must love what you already have to be able to love elsewhere.

I have to learn to love myself. Love what I was given, the talents I have, the thoughts, the dreams, and the one and only person that I am always going to be. My friends will be there to support me but only if I can learn to support myself. I cannot hurt them in the process. They have been trying to tell me this for too long, one in particular. I have to learn, because if I don't them I'm going to keep losing love I already have from people.

I have to realize how beautiful my life can be. I do not have to loose anyone to have that happen, I just have to learn to realize, learn that it's OK, learn that all things happen for a reason, and learn most of all that I am never alone no matter what.

"Friends are like angels
sent down to earth to make good days
and help us find our way."

Help?

It's completely strange to me that it has been almost a month since I have last written. I guess it kind of shows you what happens once you get back into the grind of good ole school life. I should be doing homework as we speak but I felt as though I needed to write. I just need to let somethings out. School so far has been OK. It seems like it is going to be more stressful than anything. I am still quite involved, almost too much, but I guess in the long run it will help me out.

More than anything I'm really confused. The other night a dear friend of mine told me that I didn't smile anymore. I've never had anyone ever say that to me. Why can't I smile anymore? This time a year ago I was out of my mind happy, so where did it all go? I feel like sometimes happiness is like candy. It can make you feel amazing and wonderful all at once and then in the matter of no time its gone, out of your system only to return once you take it all in again. The question I have is, why is sadness so easy to find. Why is it so easy to cry, to feel so completely down on yourself? Lately, that is what I feel more of than the happiness I crave.

I'm affecting the people that surround me and it's not fair to them at all. Life throws us so many different ways and for once I don't know where to go. I felt so secure about a lot of things and now I feel completely flipped. I think I keep telling myself that I am going to be able to fix it myself, but for the first time in my life I don't think that I can. So what happens when you've reached that point? I have no clue.

Maybe I need a break for myself. A break from it all but how do you do that, how do you take a break from it all? I need to find the goodness in life. The goodness in my family, my friends, my relationships and I can't. I'm hurting everyone, literally. Epically myself. I need a change. I need to help myself, to invest in myself and stop investing in others. My friends are my support but if I put all I have into them then what happens if they cannot hold that load. It's really hard in my mind to realize these things. I think I've always been afraid of being alone, but I'm never going to be alone it's just that state of mind that I have. I miss a lot, too much to mention. Maybe the completeness I thought I had was just artificial filling for the incompleteness that never went away.

If there is one thing I know, it is that I love my family and my friends with all my heart no matter what. I would not be who I am today without them. I want them to realize that. Sometimes I'm not as good to them as they are to me, but it is never intentional. They are not the artificial filling in my life. They are the stuff that counts.

I want to find me, for me and the ones I'm hurting. I have to act now, because if I don't then what is going to become of me then? Till next time, and hopefully sooner than a month. . .

Coming Back.

So in the last week I have returned to good ole Meredith College. Its been so refreshing to return to this place because of the memories that it holds. I don't honestly know what I'm going to do when I graduate because of the love that I have for this school. Most people could never say that they love going to school, but I live to come back to this place and would never leave if they didn't have to kick me out for the summer. I could never be more happier with my decision on coming here. I believe that there is no way that I could have ever had the experience in college that I hold here at Meredith, and the friendships are truly spectacular.

It's completely mind blowing to me that this is my junior year. Only two more years of school left and then its on to the big world. It makes me rethink a lot, makes me rethink my entire plan on life. Is the track that I am on now really what I want for the rest of not only my college career, but possibly my life. What happens now effects everything. How I do in school, the friendships I make, and the relationships I build off of. Is what I have in my life right now what I want forever? Lately I've been doing a lot of self thinking if you want to call it that. I've been playing out whats happening now in my life and applying it to possible long term means. Whats troubling me is that somethings I feel may need to change or be altered. I'm so unsure though.

I've been playing it out though, and for some reason my gut feelings are telling me to go with what I feel is best. Think about me...

Its so difficult because I always put others in my life first, especially those who are on close terms. Thinking about me just doesn't seem to happen. So now that I am, I'm actually scared to follow through. How do I know until I try.

Coming back to MC not only brings me back to classes, but to friendships that were left on pause, and relationships that are under construction. These are the last two years of my life, and its starting to scare me half to death because I want them to go by as slow as possible. I want to make all the right decisions and never regret anything that happens. So as classes begin on Wednesday here's my toast as I sit here and drink my glass of milk to an unforgettable year and to only make so many more memories than ever before. Here's to nothing but pure happiness.

me

When I write I always listen to the same music. It's funny because its music that has no lyrics only instrumental. It helps me escape but also makes me cry too every time. It's almost like the music that can honestly tap into my soul. So today as I write and listen to my music and try and figure out myself.

I haven't really written about myself yet, that's because I don't think I ever honestly focus things on me. I never worry about myself or anything like that it's always about others in my life and how I come off on them. So as I try and tap in on myself I discover that I can't. I can't tell you who I really am because I don't know that yet. I know who I want to be, I know how I want others to see me but I can't seem to discover that in myself.

So how do I make this happen? How do I discover who I am by myself? I have always believed I'm not that great on my own. I've always looked for support in others to build who I can be. So what happens when they aren't there? I'm on my own. I have to become the person I want to be with or without them. Yes, they help but it starts with me. It starts with me discover who I am on the inside.

So here it goes. This whole blog is about a new beginning so I'm going to honestly start it. This is my chance to get to know me and understand what I'm all about. I have to stop trying to forcing myself to become something I think someone may want, when in reality all they want is who I already am. I can't put myself down anymore and I can't let others who do it get to who I truly am.

I want to be honestly happy. I want to be known for who I am. I want complete myself without the need of anyone else. I want to just know ME for the person I am.

Maybe in that perspective I can develop the belief in myself that I've always desired.

missing someone

It's been awhile since I last wrote, for once since I have been home my life has been practically busy and my body is for sure letting me know. So on my Sunday afternoon I decide that a good post is what I need.

I've felt a little indifferent over the past couple of days. It's hard to put my finger on it but I just feel out of myself. I've been confronted with a lot of situations lately that I haven't had to deal with in years. Such as, getting asked out on a date by a guy who seems to not be getting a clue, or a past relationship finally realizing that we may never have the chance to be the friends that we wanted because it is way too painful for the other half. See the funny thing to me is I've thought about one of these situations happening to me years ago and hoped that they never would because I could see them as potently being kind of a mess. But now that it has happened I'm somewhat relieved. Maybe this is all apart of a plan, a plan that is to benefit my future life.

It's strange to me how things mostly end on bad or sad notes. Take for instance a break-up, a friendship falling apart, or even death. Why is it so difficult to end some situations on a happy note with happy tears instead of sad tears?

All I know that when certain situations do come to an end there is a good amount of time spent missing the other one. My real question is, is it good to miss someone? Even though you may have anger and sadness built up is that really what is best for you?

Today out of most days stands out because for the first time I am truly missing someone dear to me. The words, "I miss you" are almost similar to the words, "I love you," completely overused. Yes of course its somewhat easier to say I miss you than I love you, but still why must people completely overuse these two heartfelt sayings?

I hate feeling alone and even though I know I am not alone it is just now in this moment that I feel so completely alone and I know all I would need is his touch, his warmth, his smile to make me feel whole again. Sometimes I can still feel him, its like his touch can never linger away from me as long as he is at heart. I find myself fall deeper and deeper in love at moments. Moments where all that seem to matter are the words he's saying to me or moments where I know this is how love is supposed to feel, that saying those three important words was the easiest thing for me to do because I've known for too long how I felt about him.

I'm out on a limb and it's scary. For some reason though I'm not hesitating to go back, I only want to go further. It just seems like for once everything with him means my life is put together when in reality it is not at all. Even for that thirty minute talk on the phone everything else seems to slowly disappear to me and all I can see is him and that's all that matters at that point.

Missing someone, maybe it is for the better or maybe for the worse. I still don't know. All I know is I am missing and loving someone so dearly at the same time and not at all over using those words what-so-ever.

signs of help

It's difficult to watch someone you love fall apart. How do you when to step in and become supportive, or better yet is it even OK to step in? People change, most of the time at a very slow pace until one day it slaps you upside the face. Why didn't you stop it? What could you have done to help it? Did they change because of you? These situations have become difficult for me especially this year. I would go into more depth but its way too much information for an online blog. I want to help, I just don't know how.

When people fall apart it becomes a domino effect. It begins with them and their problem, which no one may know about, and then it travels on to someone who is extremely close to them. They get hurt and then whoever is next in line has to watch them suffer which causes them to ask the question, what can I do? Why does it have to cause so much pain to others. I honestly believe that the person who suffers the most is the person who has the extremely close relationship to them. They are in pain because they are trying to help but are unsuccessful while at the same time they are getting all the blame and hardship.

As a 20 year old I know that my twenties are my vital years. Marriage and babies could be possible, and it is a scary situation. I just want to enjoy being young and on my own building my foundation for my life ahead. Marriage scares me because of how quickly it can fall apart for some. I don't want to be a statistic. I want to live a happy life with my husband someday and I always want him to look and feel about me the way he did from the very first day we met. It's so rare though. When did marriages become a painful experience and no longer the most beautiful part of a humans life?

I don't like watching people fall apart, especially families. It's hard, but what if it made everything better? What if letting that person out of your life would bring out the more enjoyable things that surround you. Running away does nothing because the situation will always follow. Letting go though, maybe that's the solution a horrible solution but maybe the right one.

My Dad is turning fifty today and I wonder how he feels about his life. What would he change, what does he regret, and what would he never give up if someone paid him a million dollars for it. Better yet, what does he look forward to in his future? Seeing my wedding, my children, and watching his life only bloom even more to what it has now? I hope all those things. I want to help him see how bright of a future he has with my family. My brother and I graduating, Taylor going to college, weddings for both of us, grandchildren, and growing old with the girl he fell in love with back in high school. I hope he looks forward to it all.

You know looking at my Dad makes me realize how I need to enjoy each year of age. Don't regret it because even if you do get to fifty one day look at how much more you have to look forward to in life. Heck, even retirement. Treasure life and always give thanks to everyday you've been given because you never know when it will be your last. Life is beautiful, make the ones in your life who have trouble seeing that realize all they have and how much more they have to gain. That's how you can help. Just make them realize all the good in their life and maybe the bad will just slowly disappear.

wounds that become scars

There's two quotes from Grey's Anatomy, which is my all time favorite TV show, that has always seemed to help or better yet support in the worst of times.

"What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."

Why is it that you can never seem to learn from your wounds which eventually become horrible scars. In reality the reason you have those scars on your body is because either something happened to you or you yourself inflicted the pain upon yourself. I have many scars on my body. A ton from chicken pocks where I was made fun of having scabs so I did the only reasonable thing to do when you are six and scratched them away. Now I live with them on my face, chest, and anywhere else possible. Another scar is down my left calf from riding my bike down a hill way too fast and flipping over the handle bars. My most recent on the top of my right foot, which seems to have a very hard time healing. . . .

Each time I've received these wounds I also received a life lesson: don't let others judge you about the way you look just accept who you are and know that you are beautiful the way you were made, or don't ride your bicycle down that hill ever again or at least not at that speed...

So what happens when your heart is wounded? Like Meredith Grey's quote some wounds are just meant for us to learn over and over again. A wounded heart hurts tremendously. We can patch it up say its OK, give it some breathing room and it's back and ready for action. But its that next time that you feel that painful throbbing in your thoracic cavity that you know you've done it again. Those bandages didn't hold up and your heart is wounded, possibly worse than before.

Sometimes that wounded heart almost becomes a numb feeling, and that can be a terrifying thought. Who could possibly want to become to feeling of heartache? It will always hurt. It will always make you gasp for your breath and try to make you put together the pieces in your head when you know they are scrambled elsewhere.

Yes, I do wish that my scars were gone and visible on my exterior because to me the are a mark of my moments of weakness throughout life, but deep down I know I learned something from them. So why can't I steer away from a wounded heart? Is it because my heart lies within and no one can see how scared up it may be that I don't learn that valuable life lesson? It's one I may never figure out, or one the human heart cannot wait for me to figure out because it cannot possibly take anymore pain.

"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers."