tears

When you think of tears you may think of sadness, but in my mind there are different types of tears:

happy tears: like when you find out your dance made the Gala performance for the first time ever
sobbing tears: when you hurt so much inside the only way to get rid of the pain is to sob
laughing tears: when you are laughing so hard at something/someone that you can't help but tear
mad tears: basically once you reach the limit of how pissed off you can be that you explode into tears
regular tears: the emotional starter. the ones you can't hold back no matter how hard you try

So why would I be talking about tears at a time like this? I am about to experience GRADUATION and my FINAL dance concert at Meredith! I should be soooooo happy! Yet when I look on the experience I experience many different tear symptom forms. I have diagnosed myself with all four cases. For example today writing out addresses for graduation announcements and not sending one to my grandmother, knowing how much she would have loved to see me graduate as well as possible perform for my very last time on stage. Its all bittersweet and I am sure that this weekend dancing with the seniors will bring tears to many peoples eyes.

So as the weeks go on I know to keep my tissues handy and my loved ones close, even if they are not as close as I would want them to be.

Thinking of you always Grandmother.

Amy & Kellie Day

So today was a Saturday and for once it was a free day in my life which is very rare. But I actually did not sit around in front of the TV, instead I spent the day active with my good friend Kellie. It was so refreshing to be out of the norm and just out enjoying the day. We spent our day apartment looking and talking about life plans over Chick-Fil-A followed by a very laid back photo shoot with Kellie's new favorite piece of furniture at Meredith College. Though our photo shoot was cut short due to battery failure in the camera, my favorite moment was sitting on that piece of furniture in an empty dance studio listening to Kellie try and recall just how to play all of her favorite tunes on the piano. Made me think about just how lucky I was to have met the people I had in college. Though Kellie and I really did not meet until last year, I was so lucky to have her as a friend and so amazed at how someone, like Kellie, could be so talented, sweet, and just an all around wonderful individual.
Later on we decided a good laugh was in need so we went to see "Date Night" and laughed like no other at this movie which did not turn out like we expected at all. Our laughs continued to our drive through man who just could not seem to operated his order screen. Kellie and I do not get many days together due to equally busy schedules that never seem to coincide so today for me was special.
"Date Night" had a very touching line, which is quite ironic considering it is in fact a comedy, but Steve Carell's character says to Tina Fey that he would do it all over again, their marriage, their kids and so on that she was worth it and he wouldn't even have to think twice about whether or not he would do it or not. I wouldn't have to think twice about the friends I have in my life now. Though some have faded, some friendships changed from hardships, and some were developed late, but yet all those people that I have met in college, like Kellie, are the friendships I would do all over again just to experience it again, just to have those moments back and treasure those precious moments that now are just precious memories. I feel like that it the most important thing that I will walk away from Meredith College with and though I wouldn't do the whole 4 years of actual college again, but I would totally do the whole 4 years of college life again.

One Month

There are 32 days left till graduation. 12 days of classes. Whoa.

With the madness of Danceworks hitting in full force this week, preparation for an audition for next weekend, and trying to find a place to live in grown up world...I can officially say I have hit the real world. Unbelievable.

This is the last chance to try and enjoy Meredith College...minus all the work I have to complete and enjoy my time with my friends. Time has truly flown by. Let us all say a little prayer for all of us seniors to make it through the next 4 weeks.

How long can "eventually" amount to?

So I ask myself, what is it going to take...what is it going to take for me to finally give myself what I deserve? I can't tell you. I know people look at me all the time wondering why I make the decisions that I do. I've always said its too complicated to explain. It's like that gut feeling you have when you have a hunch that things are supposed to end up a certain way and you will drive yourself literally mad to see that it happens. Exhaustion sets in, you even seem worthless to yourself, and you think what the heck I am doing to myself? I've found myself making decisions that include things other than what is best for myself...but why? The only decisions I need to be making are the ones that affect me.

What's it going to take to realize that giving all of myself to someone who cannot repeat the favor is not what is the best decision. Why will a human tolerate pain just to try and see the good in the situation? Eventually it will come to us...eventually we will realize that you deserve better...eventually we will let go of everything that we have been holding on for years. Eventually we will see what is the best for us and not for anyone else. Being selfish is not a good trait to have, but in certain situations it is important to posses.

If you can make it past all that, if you can just for once stand up for yourself and know that it is for good then maybe you will get to experience what is it like to honest to god feel good. Going crazy isn't worth it when it's a one sided struggle. One cannot put in all the effort that requires two for. Eventually....one day....it will hit us and we will finally realize that we deserve so much better.

But that's the thing...we never know how long eventually can actually mean.

"When you feel like you love someone more than he loves you, it can make you a little crazy. It can make you a lot crazy." -Grey's Anatomy

Inspiration

I am currently working on my DanceWorks piece for April. I've always had such a hard time finding the motivation to have a certain meaning behind a dance but for some reason this semester it just came to me. My dance will focus on verbal abusive relationships. This can range from what an individual would automatically think of when seeing the words "verbal abusive" to the smallest words that someone could say to you that could hurt you the most. It is a very emotional score for me to tackle. Most people do not know a lot about my life because I choose to hide a lot of it, but for almost of my life I have witnessed verbal abusive relationships in many forms. It is something that is difficult to admit and also absorb in your life.
Whether or not you witness it, are a victim, or are the actual cause of it...the results are unhealthy, undesirable, and life alternating. It can change everything. It is something so hard to run away from. Usually someone who suffers through this type of relationship will stick it out and hope for the best but always knowing deep down that it may never come. So far that is what I have based a lot of the movement on...no matter how much this individual may defer me I will always go back hoping that there is a different way.
So as life goes on different things happen everyday that motivate me creatively to make this piece. Its been a huge leap of confidence to take my everything and put it on stage but I figured its your last performance ever as a college student....go for it. Stay tuned.

MJTco

This week I am preparing for one of my last dance concerts at Meredith. This one I am particularly proud of considering I have the opportunity to not only choreograph two pieces in the concert but also lead my peers as the Jazz "leader." Due to past weekends lovely weather we had to postpone our concert to this week. The concert is very fun and I am looking forward to everyone getting to come see it as well a large portion of my family coming to support me. It hasn't been since I was dancing at a studio back in good ole Kernersville that my family (and when I say family I mean grandparents, aunts, ect.) are coming to watch me on stage. It is very meaningful to me with all the hard work I have put behind this concert. More meaningfulness behind this concert is the fact I got to fulfill my dreams of honor Michael Jackson. I have put my heart and soul in this tribute and I feel like it is too fun to be missed! Also faculty, Talani Torres is our advisor over the company and her hard work towards this company's work as well as her job at Meredith College prove that her spot here at Meredith is valuable and she is too important to be lost.
Tomorrow night (Wednesday) is our big dress rehearsal and then Thursday & Friday are the show @ 8pm in Jones Auditorium. I hope to see a big audience excited to see some very fun dancing : ) !

Have You Ever?

After watching the Grammy's last night I have fallen in love with Pink's new song: "Glitter in the Air." Personally the lyrics are beautiful, motivating, and inspire me beyond belief. So I shall share them with you.



Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight