Take a picture.

Take a look back at your favorite picture. What is the picture of? Who's in it? Why is it your favorite? What memory do you hold from that photo?

Pictures hold lots of memories. Mainly good ones. It is very rare to find a picture that holds a bad memory. I have a lot of pictures that I consider my favorites. Every time I look at those pictures I remember the feelings I had, the memories I shared there and with whom, and some times how I wish I could go back to that memory and hold it forever. It's entertaining to look back at your life.

Look way back to high school. Its heartbreaking for me to see yourself. The happiness I had in those years was the kind of happiness you long to last forever. The happiness that comes from pure innocence. Sadness came from saying goodbyes, that were never really goodbyes unless you made them that way. Worry free, just living life as full as possible.
Freshman year of college, it was a trying time in my life, but when I think back now I was surrounded by new friends, new experiences, a life on my own, and someone who loved me dearly. I found myself upset at times that year, not knowing what I exactly wanted from my life. I look back now and my life was ideal. Life was carefree, fun, and all I could ask for.

Sophomore year...came new everything. New relationships and building closer friendships. I have to say that this year has been my best year ever in college. There is not a memory that I don't have from that year that I can ever remember being unhappy. When your that happy you expect it to keep soaring and sometimes it can and other times it can quickly reverse. Having that kind of happiness in life is reassuring, how can life get better from here?
Junior was my year for growing up. I learned a lot about myself this year. It was not my favorite year. When I look through pictures of this period I don't see the same smile I once had. It is at this point you learn the most about yourself from pictures, you can see what you did your best at hiding. This is the other important role of a photograph. Pictures show everything and hide nothing.




Now as Senior year is in full effect, I think back to those dreams I came into college with. How I was so hopeful and so energetic about it all. All those plans are gone. I am not a Kindergarden teacher hopeful, no where near my hopeful engagement to my high school sweetheart, dirt poor, but I do have the best friends that I knew I would make for the rest of my life. I have made other dreams to replace my fallen ones and that's what we have to do. Replace I've made BIG mistakes and I've made some great decisions. It's been a scary last couple of months, but all I know is to have faith, to be hopeful and know that the pictures I take this year are the most important...they are the essential ones that I'll always look back to and know that was my senior year of college.


But as much as we replace in life we will always have our pictures from the past to go back to and remember how we were at that point in our lives. We will remember the hopefulness happiness, sadness, or anger. We will look at how fat or thin, why did we wear that, short hair, long hair, big smile, or not even a grin....it will all be there but when we look at that picture we will know for those few seconds we have those memories we can only go on from there, learn from the past and strive for the best.

So take all the pictures possible because one day when your thoughts get fuzzy those pictures will ALWAYS remain clear.

When it hurts so much you can't breathe

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

What if today was your last day?

Last Friday a local ballerina, Elena Shapiro was killed by a drunk driver. I feel like her death has hit close to home. Elena and I used to dance together at Wake Forest University from her mother. I remember her always being so poised and charming. She was a beautiful dance even at a young age and I knew that she was on to big opportunities in her life. It is so frustrating to know someone who made one wrong decision took away something so wonderful away from so many people. A girl like Elena who had so much talent to share and was no where close to finishing her dreams.

It makes me think. What if today was your last day? How would you spend it? Maybe it would be different if you knew that today would be your last day, but maybe it be more of God's plan if you didn't know and you just went on living like you were supposed to. What would be your last thought? Who would you last think about? Would you die with regrets about what you had done to someone, what you didn't accomplish, or what you didn't say? Or would you know that you had done all you could to fulfill all you've ever wanted in life and you were satisfied were you stood.

A thought like that can be inspiring. Life is a gift. It can instantly be gone. I look at my great grandmother who is so close to dying its scary. Some days you can see it in her eyes and other days you could never guess. She is taking every moment she has to get the best out of life while she is here. I take every opportunity that I have when I am at home to get the chance to spend those moments with here. It is one of my life wishes to have her at my college graduation. I want to make her proud and I want to see the promise I have to her to do all I can with my life to make it extraordinary. She has touched my life for the past twenty two years and I want to be able to give this back to her.

Life is not about dwelling about what you don't have or not allowing yourself the opportunity to try. Do not give up, try as hard as you can to get whatever you can. You will succeed if you do try. I have to not give up. I have to not settle. I have to try for the highest goal even if its hard. Never give up on hopes, people, or dreams. They are all easily attainable, we just have to attempt them. Tell people how you feel about them and surround yourself with the people that make your life meaningful.

Make sure when you are saying your prayers at night you thank God for your life. Thanks Him for everything you have, the talents you have, and the chance to live another day. You never know when it could be your last.

RIP Eleana Shapiro.

Leap

OK. So I am going to get back into blogging: one because I need to let my thoughts out and two because I need something to do in classes like CORE which are pointless to my education.

Recently I have been wondering about my future. Where I want to go with my career and where I see myself in a year. I know I want to teach. I teach now at a studio and I love being involved with the students and know that I am the one impacting their dance lives. The question is do I want to start that career immediately? This is where I am leaning more to the negative side. I feel like I have so much potential to go and further my dance knowledge, to attempt to become someone with the talents I posses. I keep seeing my friends venture into internships, grad/medical school applications, and I feel like all I have to look forward to is what I am already doing on a daily basis.

I feel like its time to take that leap, to go for those huge goals that only seem to be dreams. Why not take a chance and think about dancing professionally. Becoming someone and building my name to actually be a well known public figure. Lately I feel like I've just settled for what I have. I haven't pushed myself to the next level. This could come from many reasons, family, friends, trying to plan things moments in life that aren't secure enough to allow myself to put all my eggs in one basket. I feel like maybe its time for a change of focus. What is it going to hurt to make an attempt? At least I can say that I tried, that I took a chance instead of looking back years from now not happy with my life and wishing that I had tried. Having regrets.


Maybe it is a change of scenery. For once maybe I should go where I want to go and take an attempt at what I want to do. Not stick around here because it is the safe choice or because maybe my relationships will fall through with friends or because maybe I will miss out on events in my family. What if this giant leap gets me what I've always wanted....a chance at performing for as long as I can physically make it. It's taken so many events in my life currently to realize that I don't need to fill my life with other peoples lives. Its my chance to concern myself with my life and what I want and need. I'm not trying to be selfish but I am trying to find whats best at the moment. Honestly I feel like this is the best.

I hope to be in NYC one day. Ever since I went back in January I have missed the city, the sights, the opportunities, but not the expenses. I see NYC on TV and movies and it takes all I can not to go and order a one day round trip flight to the city. I need a change of scenery. I need a change period.

So even though it is my senior year in college, maybe its not too late to take a chance at what I want. Maybe trying well at least open new doors. No one said it would ever be easy to do but they also didn't say that it wasn't possible.

"put the moment on hold"

Its been months since I have had the leisure to sit and write. Its been too long.

Too much has happened since the last time has wrote and a lot has changed in my life. I'm not going to sit here and write about all that has happened, my emotions and blah blah blah. I'm just over that. Instead I'm going to write about how beautiful breaking down truly is.

Most people think when one is breaking down they are locked inside a room a mess, crying their eyes out or even worse in a horrible anger rage. Well yes, this is a type of break down, but not the one I'm talking about. The break down I am talking about is when life seems to stand still for once instead of flying by, discovering what really matters instead of what you may perceive as to matter, noticing things that make your life blessed and give honest happiness.

Coming home and away from school has allowed me to discover my break down. Life seems to flow so freely here, the only downfall is that time seems to speed up and the days become shorter when I wish some days could drag on for as long as possible. I am able to have a life here. I get to live my life for me and not for anyone else.

The cell phone doesn't matter, the AIM does not have to be on constantly, Facebook only gets checked once a day, and email is not of the priority every morning. Yes here at home I can lay in my bed, the bed I wish I could pack up and take to school with me, and actually read a book because I want to, not because it is my homework assignment for the following class. I can go out to places that remind me of memories from my years here at home and allow me to remember those days of happier times. I just can be utterly spontaneous.

I do not think it is all about being at home that has helped me in my break down. Instead I feel like I have learned a lot of about myself over the past semester. Now I know I said I was not getting into emotions and I am not, but I have learned to be observant with myself and the people that impact my life. I refuse to surround myself with people who are difficult to trust, people who can only end up bringing me down in the end. I know the person I want to be to be and I have discovered that the only way that I am going to become that person is to single handily get what I want on my own. I used to fear doing things on my own, but that fear has subsided. I have my dreams, my good friends, my family, and the love for my life that keeps me strong.

My life is on the way up. It is up to wonderful things and I am so completely thrilled about my future. The one scary thing is, that future that I'm working towards, well its arriving in a year and a half. I'm already discovering myself preparing things for my future, making plans, and having some of my dreams become reality. I've found myself at a point where I know to go for whatever opportunities are presented to me and take advantage of them. If I don't now, I may never get to again. Taking risks in life right now is the best decision because they could up being the best decisions for me and lead me to even bigger things.

So my advice for me and for those of you who may read if you so do consider is this: take the time to do the things you want to do, go to those places where happy memories remain, laugh until your stomach is in knots, surround yourself with that person you wish you could have around you everyday, learn to appreciate small things, and embrace all the good that is in your life because it is there. . . . just sometimes it can be hidden in unreachable places.

Memories make life and we make those memories, so make your life filled with all the good ones.

"You don't know nothing, but you don't need to know,
The wisdom is in the trees not the glass windows,
You can't stop wishing if you don't let go,
The things that you find, and you loose, and you know,
You keep on rolling put the moment on hold."

Better With Time

Over the past couple of weeks I have watched myself going on a roller coaster of emotions. I have been at the lowest point in my life to the point I could not pull myself out of bed to a point of self realization. This has probably been the hardest point in my life. I've had to loose people and things that I thought I could hold on to, to understand ME. I've cried myself to exhaustion and now I've been able to realize the real meaning of friendship.

Now, today is a new point. I feel like I have been able to somewhat accept all that has happened in my life in almost a month. I've learned that friendship is the most vital thing in this world. I've learned that relationships are lovely and all, but sometimes it's OK if they don't work out. It's the bond and love that you still contain for that person that matters the most. Friends are what matter most right now.

What I feel will be the challenge for me is finding me. Finding who I am, what I want for me, and how I want to be seen by others. I have made a fool of myself the last month and that is mainly my fault. I kept things in and never let anyone know how I was feeling. I overloaded my dearest friend and didn't rely on the other friends I had because I was too afraid of judgment. No one could ever know the pain I have experienced right now. Everyday I am try more and more to fix that pain instead of just numbing it away. I'm learning about giving myself the personal time I need. I'm learning that it's OK to be alone, because in reality I'm not I still have all my friends that support me the most.

I have definitely turn over a new chapter in my life. The plans I had for my life are gone and I have a fresh page to go off of. Right now is when I must surround myself with things that make me smile, feel the best, and give me the support I need to assist me with making the right decisions in my life. I want to do right this time, but that may not happen. Life is not perfect what-so-ever. Even for that brief shining moment it may feel perfect, it may not be. To find those rare and perfect things in life you must love what you already have to be able to love elsewhere.

I have to learn to love myself. Love what I was given, the talents I have, the thoughts, the dreams, and the one and only person that I am always going to be. My friends will be there to support me but only if I can learn to support myself. I cannot hurt them in the process. They have been trying to tell me this for too long, one in particular. I have to learn, because if I don't them I'm going to keep losing love I already have from people.

I have to realize how beautiful my life can be. I do not have to loose anyone to have that happen, I just have to learn to realize, learn that it's OK, learn that all things happen for a reason, and learn most of all that I am never alone no matter what.

"Friends are like angels
sent down to earth to make good days
and help us find our way."

Help?

It's completely strange to me that it has been almost a month since I have last written. I guess it kind of shows you what happens once you get back into the grind of good ole school life. I should be doing homework as we speak but I felt as though I needed to write. I just need to let somethings out. School so far has been OK. It seems like it is going to be more stressful than anything. I am still quite involved, almost too much, but I guess in the long run it will help me out.

More than anything I'm really confused. The other night a dear friend of mine told me that I didn't smile anymore. I've never had anyone ever say that to me. Why can't I smile anymore? This time a year ago I was out of my mind happy, so where did it all go? I feel like sometimes happiness is like candy. It can make you feel amazing and wonderful all at once and then in the matter of no time its gone, out of your system only to return once you take it all in again. The question I have is, why is sadness so easy to find. Why is it so easy to cry, to feel so completely down on yourself? Lately, that is what I feel more of than the happiness I crave.

I'm affecting the people that surround me and it's not fair to them at all. Life throws us so many different ways and for once I don't know where to go. I felt so secure about a lot of things and now I feel completely flipped. I think I keep telling myself that I am going to be able to fix it myself, but for the first time in my life I don't think that I can. So what happens when you've reached that point? I have no clue.

Maybe I need a break for myself. A break from it all but how do you do that, how do you take a break from it all? I need to find the goodness in life. The goodness in my family, my friends, my relationships and I can't. I'm hurting everyone, literally. Epically myself. I need a change. I need to help myself, to invest in myself and stop investing in others. My friends are my support but if I put all I have into them then what happens if they cannot hold that load. It's really hard in my mind to realize these things. I think I've always been afraid of being alone, but I'm never going to be alone it's just that state of mind that I have. I miss a lot, too much to mention. Maybe the completeness I thought I had was just artificial filling for the incompleteness that never went away.

If there is one thing I know, it is that I love my family and my friends with all my heart no matter what. I would not be who I am today without them. I want them to realize that. Sometimes I'm not as good to them as they are to me, but it is never intentional. They are not the artificial filling in my life. They are the stuff that counts.

I want to find me, for me and the ones I'm hurting. I have to act now, because if I don't then what is going to become of me then? Till next time, and hopefully sooner than a month. . .