It's completely strange to me that it has been almost a month since I have last written. I guess it kind of shows you what happens once you get back into the grind of good ole school life. I should be doing homework as we speak but I felt as though I needed to write. I just need to let somethings out. School so far has been OK. It seems like it is going to be more stressful than anything. I am still quite involved, almost too much, but I guess in the long run it will help me out.
More than anything I'm really confused. The other night a dear friend of mine told me that I didn't smile anymore. I've never had anyone ever say that to me. Why can't I smile anymore? This time a year ago I was out of my mind happy, so where did it all go? I feel like sometimes happiness is like candy. It can make you feel amazing and wonderful all at once and then in the matter of no time its gone, out of your system only to return once you take it all in again. The question I have is, why is sadness so easy to find. Why is it so easy to cry, to feel so completely down on yourself? Lately, that is what I feel more of than the happiness I crave.
I'm affecting the people that surround me and it's not fair to them at all. Life throws us so many different ways and for once I don't know where to go. I felt so secure about a lot of things and now I feel completely flipped. I think I keep telling myself that I am going to be able to fix it myself, but for the first time in my life I don't think that I can. So what happens when you've reached that point? I have no clue.
Maybe I need a break for myself. A break from it all but how do you do that, how do you take a break from it all? I need to find the goodness in life. The goodness in my family, my friends, my relationships and I can't. I'm hurting everyone, literally. Epically myself. I need a change. I need to help myself, to invest in myself and stop investing in others. My friends are my support but if I put all I have into them then what happens if they cannot hold that load. It's really hard in my mind to realize these things. I think I've always been afraid of being alone, but I'm never going to be alone it's just that state of mind that I have. I miss a lot, too much to mention. Maybe the completeness I thought I had was just artificial filling for the incompleteness that never went away.
If there is one thing I know, it is that I love my family and my friends with all my heart no matter what. I would not be who I am today without them. I want them to realize that. Sometimes I'm not as good to them as they are to me, but it is never intentional. They are not the artificial filling in my life. They are the stuff that counts.
I want to find me, for me and the ones I'm hurting. I have to act now, because if I don't then what is going to become of me then? Till next time, and hopefully sooner than a month. . .
