"put the moment on hold"

Its been months since I have had the leisure to sit and write. Its been too long.

Too much has happened since the last time has wrote and a lot has changed in my life. I'm not going to sit here and write about all that has happened, my emotions and blah blah blah. I'm just over that. Instead I'm going to write about how beautiful breaking down truly is.

Most people think when one is breaking down they are locked inside a room a mess, crying their eyes out or even worse in a horrible anger rage. Well yes, this is a type of break down, but not the one I'm talking about. The break down I am talking about is when life seems to stand still for once instead of flying by, discovering what really matters instead of what you may perceive as to matter, noticing things that make your life blessed and give honest happiness.

Coming home and away from school has allowed me to discover my break down. Life seems to flow so freely here, the only downfall is that time seems to speed up and the days become shorter when I wish some days could drag on for as long as possible. I am able to have a life here. I get to live my life for me and not for anyone else.

The cell phone doesn't matter, the AIM does not have to be on constantly, Facebook only gets checked once a day, and email is not of the priority every morning. Yes here at home I can lay in my bed, the bed I wish I could pack up and take to school with me, and actually read a book because I want to, not because it is my homework assignment for the following class. I can go out to places that remind me of memories from my years here at home and allow me to remember those days of happier times. I just can be utterly spontaneous.

I do not think it is all about being at home that has helped me in my break down. Instead I feel like I have learned a lot of about myself over the past semester. Now I know I said I was not getting into emotions and I am not, but I have learned to be observant with myself and the people that impact my life. I refuse to surround myself with people who are difficult to trust, people who can only end up bringing me down in the end. I know the person I want to be to be and I have discovered that the only way that I am going to become that person is to single handily get what I want on my own. I used to fear doing things on my own, but that fear has subsided. I have my dreams, my good friends, my family, and the love for my life that keeps me strong.

My life is on the way up. It is up to wonderful things and I am so completely thrilled about my future. The one scary thing is, that future that I'm working towards, well its arriving in a year and a half. I'm already discovering myself preparing things for my future, making plans, and having some of my dreams become reality. I've found myself at a point where I know to go for whatever opportunities are presented to me and take advantage of them. If I don't now, I may never get to again. Taking risks in life right now is the best decision because they could up being the best decisions for me and lead me to even bigger things.

So my advice for me and for those of you who may read if you so do consider is this: take the time to do the things you want to do, go to those places where happy memories remain, laugh until your stomach is in knots, surround yourself with that person you wish you could have around you everyday, learn to appreciate small things, and embrace all the good that is in your life because it is there. . . . just sometimes it can be hidden in unreachable places.

Memories make life and we make those memories, so make your life filled with all the good ones.

"You don't know nothing, but you don't need to know,
The wisdom is in the trees not the glass windows,
You can't stop wishing if you don't let go,
The things that you find, and you loose, and you know,
You keep on rolling put the moment on hold."

Better With Time

Over the past couple of weeks I have watched myself going on a roller coaster of emotions. I have been at the lowest point in my life to the point I could not pull myself out of bed to a point of self realization. This has probably been the hardest point in my life. I've had to loose people and things that I thought I could hold on to, to understand ME. I've cried myself to exhaustion and now I've been able to realize the real meaning of friendship.

Now, today is a new point. I feel like I have been able to somewhat accept all that has happened in my life in almost a month. I've learned that friendship is the most vital thing in this world. I've learned that relationships are lovely and all, but sometimes it's OK if they don't work out. It's the bond and love that you still contain for that person that matters the most. Friends are what matter most right now.

What I feel will be the challenge for me is finding me. Finding who I am, what I want for me, and how I want to be seen by others. I have made a fool of myself the last month and that is mainly my fault. I kept things in and never let anyone know how I was feeling. I overloaded my dearest friend and didn't rely on the other friends I had because I was too afraid of judgment. No one could ever know the pain I have experienced right now. Everyday I am try more and more to fix that pain instead of just numbing it away. I'm learning about giving myself the personal time I need. I'm learning that it's OK to be alone, because in reality I'm not I still have all my friends that support me the most.

I have definitely turn over a new chapter in my life. The plans I had for my life are gone and I have a fresh page to go off of. Right now is when I must surround myself with things that make me smile, feel the best, and give me the support I need to assist me with making the right decisions in my life. I want to do right this time, but that may not happen. Life is not perfect what-so-ever. Even for that brief shining moment it may feel perfect, it may not be. To find those rare and perfect things in life you must love what you already have to be able to love elsewhere.

I have to learn to love myself. Love what I was given, the talents I have, the thoughts, the dreams, and the one and only person that I am always going to be. My friends will be there to support me but only if I can learn to support myself. I cannot hurt them in the process. They have been trying to tell me this for too long, one in particular. I have to learn, because if I don't them I'm going to keep losing love I already have from people.

I have to realize how beautiful my life can be. I do not have to loose anyone to have that happen, I just have to learn to realize, learn that it's OK, learn that all things happen for a reason, and learn most of all that I am never alone no matter what.

"Friends are like angels
sent down to earth to make good days
and help us find our way."

Help?

It's completely strange to me that it has been almost a month since I have last written. I guess it kind of shows you what happens once you get back into the grind of good ole school life. I should be doing homework as we speak but I felt as though I needed to write. I just need to let somethings out. School so far has been OK. It seems like it is going to be more stressful than anything. I am still quite involved, almost too much, but I guess in the long run it will help me out.

More than anything I'm really confused. The other night a dear friend of mine told me that I didn't smile anymore. I've never had anyone ever say that to me. Why can't I smile anymore? This time a year ago I was out of my mind happy, so where did it all go? I feel like sometimes happiness is like candy. It can make you feel amazing and wonderful all at once and then in the matter of no time its gone, out of your system only to return once you take it all in again. The question I have is, why is sadness so easy to find. Why is it so easy to cry, to feel so completely down on yourself? Lately, that is what I feel more of than the happiness I crave.

I'm affecting the people that surround me and it's not fair to them at all. Life throws us so many different ways and for once I don't know where to go. I felt so secure about a lot of things and now I feel completely flipped. I think I keep telling myself that I am going to be able to fix it myself, but for the first time in my life I don't think that I can. So what happens when you've reached that point? I have no clue.

Maybe I need a break for myself. A break from it all but how do you do that, how do you take a break from it all? I need to find the goodness in life. The goodness in my family, my friends, my relationships and I can't. I'm hurting everyone, literally. Epically myself. I need a change. I need to help myself, to invest in myself and stop investing in others. My friends are my support but if I put all I have into them then what happens if they cannot hold that load. It's really hard in my mind to realize these things. I think I've always been afraid of being alone, but I'm never going to be alone it's just that state of mind that I have. I miss a lot, too much to mention. Maybe the completeness I thought I had was just artificial filling for the incompleteness that never went away.

If there is one thing I know, it is that I love my family and my friends with all my heart no matter what. I would not be who I am today without them. I want them to realize that. Sometimes I'm not as good to them as they are to me, but it is never intentional. They are not the artificial filling in my life. They are the stuff that counts.

I want to find me, for me and the ones I'm hurting. I have to act now, because if I don't then what is going to become of me then? Till next time, and hopefully sooner than a month. . .

Coming Back.

So in the last week I have returned to good ole Meredith College. Its been so refreshing to return to this place because of the memories that it holds. I don't honestly know what I'm going to do when I graduate because of the love that I have for this school. Most people could never say that they love going to school, but I live to come back to this place and would never leave if they didn't have to kick me out for the summer. I could never be more happier with my decision on coming here. I believe that there is no way that I could have ever had the experience in college that I hold here at Meredith, and the friendships are truly spectacular.

It's completely mind blowing to me that this is my junior year. Only two more years of school left and then its on to the big world. It makes me rethink a lot, makes me rethink my entire plan on life. Is the track that I am on now really what I want for the rest of not only my college career, but possibly my life. What happens now effects everything. How I do in school, the friendships I make, and the relationships I build off of. Is what I have in my life right now what I want forever? Lately I've been doing a lot of self thinking if you want to call it that. I've been playing out whats happening now in my life and applying it to possible long term means. Whats troubling me is that somethings I feel may need to change or be altered. I'm so unsure though.

I've been playing it out though, and for some reason my gut feelings are telling me to go with what I feel is best. Think about me...

Its so difficult because I always put others in my life first, especially those who are on close terms. Thinking about me just doesn't seem to happen. So now that I am, I'm actually scared to follow through. How do I know until I try.

Coming back to MC not only brings me back to classes, but to friendships that were left on pause, and relationships that are under construction. These are the last two years of my life, and its starting to scare me half to death because I want them to go by as slow as possible. I want to make all the right decisions and never regret anything that happens. So as classes begin on Wednesday here's my toast as I sit here and drink my glass of milk to an unforgettable year and to only make so many more memories than ever before. Here's to nothing but pure happiness.

me

When I write I always listen to the same music. It's funny because its music that has no lyrics only instrumental. It helps me escape but also makes me cry too every time. It's almost like the music that can honestly tap into my soul. So today as I write and listen to my music and try and figure out myself.

I haven't really written about myself yet, that's because I don't think I ever honestly focus things on me. I never worry about myself or anything like that it's always about others in my life and how I come off on them. So as I try and tap in on myself I discover that I can't. I can't tell you who I really am because I don't know that yet. I know who I want to be, I know how I want others to see me but I can't seem to discover that in myself.

So how do I make this happen? How do I discover who I am by myself? I have always believed I'm not that great on my own. I've always looked for support in others to build who I can be. So what happens when they aren't there? I'm on my own. I have to become the person I want to be with or without them. Yes, they help but it starts with me. It starts with me discover who I am on the inside.

So here it goes. This whole blog is about a new beginning so I'm going to honestly start it. This is my chance to get to know me and understand what I'm all about. I have to stop trying to forcing myself to become something I think someone may want, when in reality all they want is who I already am. I can't put myself down anymore and I can't let others who do it get to who I truly am.

I want to be honestly happy. I want to be known for who I am. I want complete myself without the need of anyone else. I want to just know ME for the person I am.

Maybe in that perspective I can develop the belief in myself that I've always desired.

missing someone

It's been awhile since I last wrote, for once since I have been home my life has been practically busy and my body is for sure letting me know. So on my Sunday afternoon I decide that a good post is what I need.

I've felt a little indifferent over the past couple of days. It's hard to put my finger on it but I just feel out of myself. I've been confronted with a lot of situations lately that I haven't had to deal with in years. Such as, getting asked out on a date by a guy who seems to not be getting a clue, or a past relationship finally realizing that we may never have the chance to be the friends that we wanted because it is way too painful for the other half. See the funny thing to me is I've thought about one of these situations happening to me years ago and hoped that they never would because I could see them as potently being kind of a mess. But now that it has happened I'm somewhat relieved. Maybe this is all apart of a plan, a plan that is to benefit my future life.

It's strange to me how things mostly end on bad or sad notes. Take for instance a break-up, a friendship falling apart, or even death. Why is it so difficult to end some situations on a happy note with happy tears instead of sad tears?

All I know that when certain situations do come to an end there is a good amount of time spent missing the other one. My real question is, is it good to miss someone? Even though you may have anger and sadness built up is that really what is best for you?

Today out of most days stands out because for the first time I am truly missing someone dear to me. The words, "I miss you" are almost similar to the words, "I love you," completely overused. Yes of course its somewhat easier to say I miss you than I love you, but still why must people completely overuse these two heartfelt sayings?

I hate feeling alone and even though I know I am not alone it is just now in this moment that I feel so completely alone and I know all I would need is his touch, his warmth, his smile to make me feel whole again. Sometimes I can still feel him, its like his touch can never linger away from me as long as he is at heart. I find myself fall deeper and deeper in love at moments. Moments where all that seem to matter are the words he's saying to me or moments where I know this is how love is supposed to feel, that saying those three important words was the easiest thing for me to do because I've known for too long how I felt about him.

I'm out on a limb and it's scary. For some reason though I'm not hesitating to go back, I only want to go further. It just seems like for once everything with him means my life is put together when in reality it is not at all. Even for that thirty minute talk on the phone everything else seems to slowly disappear to me and all I can see is him and that's all that matters at that point.

Missing someone, maybe it is for the better or maybe for the worse. I still don't know. All I know is I am missing and loving someone so dearly at the same time and not at all over using those words what-so-ever.

signs of help

It's difficult to watch someone you love fall apart. How do you when to step in and become supportive, or better yet is it even OK to step in? People change, most of the time at a very slow pace until one day it slaps you upside the face. Why didn't you stop it? What could you have done to help it? Did they change because of you? These situations have become difficult for me especially this year. I would go into more depth but its way too much information for an online blog. I want to help, I just don't know how.

When people fall apart it becomes a domino effect. It begins with them and their problem, which no one may know about, and then it travels on to someone who is extremely close to them. They get hurt and then whoever is next in line has to watch them suffer which causes them to ask the question, what can I do? Why does it have to cause so much pain to others. I honestly believe that the person who suffers the most is the person who has the extremely close relationship to them. They are in pain because they are trying to help but are unsuccessful while at the same time they are getting all the blame and hardship.

As a 20 year old I know that my twenties are my vital years. Marriage and babies could be possible, and it is a scary situation. I just want to enjoy being young and on my own building my foundation for my life ahead. Marriage scares me because of how quickly it can fall apart for some. I don't want to be a statistic. I want to live a happy life with my husband someday and I always want him to look and feel about me the way he did from the very first day we met. It's so rare though. When did marriages become a painful experience and no longer the most beautiful part of a humans life?

I don't like watching people fall apart, especially families. It's hard, but what if it made everything better? What if letting that person out of your life would bring out the more enjoyable things that surround you. Running away does nothing because the situation will always follow. Letting go though, maybe that's the solution a horrible solution but maybe the right one.

My Dad is turning fifty today and I wonder how he feels about his life. What would he change, what does he regret, and what would he never give up if someone paid him a million dollars for it. Better yet, what does he look forward to in his future? Seeing my wedding, my children, and watching his life only bloom even more to what it has now? I hope all those things. I want to help him see how bright of a future he has with my family. My brother and I graduating, Taylor going to college, weddings for both of us, grandchildren, and growing old with the girl he fell in love with back in high school. I hope he looks forward to it all.

You know looking at my Dad makes me realize how I need to enjoy each year of age. Don't regret it because even if you do get to fifty one day look at how much more you have to look forward to in life. Heck, even retirement. Treasure life and always give thanks to everyday you've been given because you never know when it will be your last. Life is beautiful, make the ones in your life who have trouble seeing that realize all they have and how much more they have to gain. That's how you can help. Just make them realize all the good in their life and maybe the bad will just slowly disappear.

wounds that become scars

There's two quotes from Grey's Anatomy, which is my all time favorite TV show, that has always seemed to help or better yet support in the worst of times.

"What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."

Why is it that you can never seem to learn from your wounds which eventually become horrible scars. In reality the reason you have those scars on your body is because either something happened to you or you yourself inflicted the pain upon yourself. I have many scars on my body. A ton from chicken pocks where I was made fun of having scabs so I did the only reasonable thing to do when you are six and scratched them away. Now I live with them on my face, chest, and anywhere else possible. Another scar is down my left calf from riding my bike down a hill way too fast and flipping over the handle bars. My most recent on the top of my right foot, which seems to have a very hard time healing. . . .

Each time I've received these wounds I also received a life lesson: don't let others judge you about the way you look just accept who you are and know that you are beautiful the way you were made, or don't ride your bicycle down that hill ever again or at least not at that speed...

So what happens when your heart is wounded? Like Meredith Grey's quote some wounds are just meant for us to learn over and over again. A wounded heart hurts tremendously. We can patch it up say its OK, give it some breathing room and it's back and ready for action. But its that next time that you feel that painful throbbing in your thoracic cavity that you know you've done it again. Those bandages didn't hold up and your heart is wounded, possibly worse than before.

Sometimes that wounded heart almost becomes a numb feeling, and that can be a terrifying thought. Who could possibly want to become to feeling of heartache? It will always hurt. It will always make you gasp for your breath and try to make you put together the pieces in your head when you know they are scrambled elsewhere.

Yes, I do wish that my scars were gone and visible on my exterior because to me the are a mark of my moments of weakness throughout life, but deep down I know I learned something from them. So why can't I steer away from a wounded heart? Is it because my heart lies within and no one can see how scared up it may be that I don't learn that valuable life lesson? It's one I may never figure out, or one the human heart cannot wait for me to figure out because it cannot possibly take anymore pain.

"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers."

a good friend

Today I had my dear sweet friend, Marie come to visit me in my hometown. It was a bit exciting for me because I've never brought someone from outside of my hometown to here. . . I guess. As a girl and moving away from home you think that one day that you will bring the man of your dreams home to meet Mom & Dad and show him all there is to know about your past, but since that hasn't happened Marie got that experience first.

ANYWAYS it was almost therapy to have my friend here today. I got an opportunity to revisit my past and tell someone the stories of my so called wonder years, the years that made me the woman I am today. To see someone light up at pictures, stories, or even a good ole fashioned tour guide of my small yet popular town made me realize how amazing my life is and potently could be to not only everyone else, but to myself as well.

I know it may seem horrible to think that one could dread the life that they have been given, but I believe that everyone has there moments. Those moments when you look back now where you think about things that you could have done differently and how that would effect who you could be today.

Today I returned to Wake Forest campus where I used to take ballet classes and swung on tree swings, you know the good kind that can withstand anything and make you feel completely ten years younger when you're on them. Well the swing Marie and I were on had the word "abandon" engraved in it. Now what is the real honest to god meaning of abandon? Its kind of a harsh word, but in someways it may be the one word that sets free the soul. Marie and I said it there as we sat and swung on that swing that would abandon one thing from our lives at that point. Hard to think of when you are put on the spot, but to truly think about it alone there is one true thing I wish to abandon, fear. I know its a bit far fetched but still imagine a life with no fear. My two biggest fears: death and loosing people in my life. Well Amy, death is going to happen and eventually I have to face it. As for loosing people in my life, that one is still hard to tell myself that it can be potently OK.

The people in my life, well they make my life. If not for them where would the stories of old times be and the pictures to sit in look at, where would all that be? Even if some people have left my life well they helped me become who I am even if I did get hurt along the way. Of course some people make a more drastic mark than others, and its those that you want to cling to the most and pray they don't repel you.

It's funny how some people can change your life, and how it can happen at the most random moments. Not those moments you create on purpose to make them memorable, but the ones that are created by pure magic it seems. How sometimes the simplest moments mean the whole world to you and can honestly take your breath away. I love finding myself speechless in those moments, like everything just seems to automatically click. . . your life finally has the meaning you've been searching for.

It was good to see a girlfriend today, to laugh like old times and just to be reminded of how truly wonderful the people I have in my life are. Here's to abandoning all those fears and only being thankful for the life that I am given. I feel like I left a lot at that swing today & I believe I want it to stay there for the better in my life especially at this point. . .

remember when summertime was all we lived for?

Remember the good ole days when you were younger and summertime was all you lived for. That faithful last day of school when the bell would ring at 3:15 and you were free. Hugged your friends goodbye, said so long to homework and teachers and you rode the bus home and it was over with.

Now as I approach my junior year in college, I long for those days and feelings of actually loving summer. Don't get me wrong, summer is still my utmost favorite season, yet I actually dread it now. What happened to those endless days of playing outside, pretending your favorite tree was your fort where all your hopes and dreams came true? A skint knee from riding your bicycle down a hill which you knew was too big for you was the worst of your problems. And staying out so late even though the mosquitoes would feast off of you was what made you feel like a "big girl" because you knew there was no way you could go inside to get ready for your normal bedtime until you caught at least ten more lighting bugs.

I find it quite amusing how we all want to grow up so quickly, yet when we reach grown up standards all we want is to go back to the younger years. Today, I wish I was ten instead of twenty. Just to have one more day outside in my backyard on my swing set or with my Barbies inside my room where every corner was a piece of my imagination. Now I spend my summers working trying to get enough money to survive on for the year at college when we all know half of my paycheck is going to end up in my gas tank anyways.

There's no looking back now, and I find it almost a bit frightening. I no longer wish to grow up at a fast pace anymore because for some reason that's already been done for me. I want to enjoy my time now as slow as I can because in two years its all gone, its time for big girl world. These moments that I have with my friends who have now basically become family, I never want them to end. I don't care if I have to do homework and exams along the way as long as I can have those moments where I sit in my dorm room with my girlfriends and we constantly laugh at the most random thing instead of studying until we become so tried from laughing that we end going to bed and our studying goes out the window.

I wish to enjoy my summertime but I cannot. I find myself counting down the days till I return to school (29 days). I believe if we could all just have one day as a child then we would see the joy in some aspects of life instead of dreading what we do on a daily basis. So here's to always staying young at heart even if our bodies and mind tell us differently.

"What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child"
-Jason Mraz

relationships

All throughout life we are told to build relationships with one another, to discover and make friendships that will last, to surround one another with people that will hold us up when we fall. So we as humans do this, we build these relationships and then they grow on us and become something so dear and beneficial to life. But where's the advice when it comes to possibly loosing these relationships? Where is the manual on how to build a perfect relationship with someone else so you will never have to suffer from loosing someone that you develop this bond with? There is no manual. Its just you on your own taking this advice that everyone seems to follow and hoping that you do not fall flat on your face.

Recently my relationships have taken me on a different spin. They have allowed me to step back and take a look at my life and those people I have carefully let in one by one. My relationships with my friends, my mother & father, my brother, my boyfriend. . . it doesn't matter who with they all are completely different and make my life so unique.

I thought I had lost an important relationship over these past couple of weeks when in reality I feel like it has all been such a learning experience. Maybe, it takes loosing a relationship that is so dear to your soul that makes you realize so much more than what is out in the open. This is what I believe I have gained. People may say when you loose a certain type of relationship you loose it all and let me tell you I was completely agreeing with those certain "people." But now I take the daring stance to tell them they were wrong for me.

Over the years I have had one relationship that I grew to treasure. Recently this relationship became literally my life, until I thought it had been taken away. This relationship is no where near gone in my life, in fact it has only gone to the next level. . .if that's even possible. Its almost indescribable, its just the feeling. That feeling that makes you smile and cry at the same time yet you know it is the most amazing thing you have ever felt.

Why must a human always get hurt emotionally so bad that it takes them to realize that they have everything they have already wanted in their lives?

I have decided that yes, relationships are completely beneficial to life. The relationship you have with your family is going to be completely different than the one you have with your girlfriends and the relationship you have with your girlfriends is going to be totally reverse to the relationship that you have with that special man that stole your heart six years ago. So it is now that I build upon these relationships, treasure the fact that my life is filled with the most amazing people that I could ever wish for.

I cannot take for granite what I have been given because if I screw it up now I'm the one who hurt me and no one is to blame. So here's to strengthening what I've got and to never fear loosing what means the world to me. I thank that man for teaching me something new everyday even if he is an hour and a half down I-40. Till next time. . .