The holidays are here and this is the time to hold friends and family near. I spent the other day with my great grandmother who is very sick. Every time I come home I have to see her. It was one of the most memorable visits that I have ever had with her and one I will never forget. Christmas Eve is a time spent with my mom's family at my great grandmother's house and this will be the first year it won't happen. I am not upset about it because I knew there wasn't a possible way that it could happen, but it still will be yet another change I am having to accept.
Speaking of changes, there seem to be a lot of those happening in my life lately. I have one more semester left in college (ah!), I have to decide on a career and place of residence in six months (eek!), my brother has a girlfriend who he spends all his time with (what!?), one of my best girl friend's from high school is getting engaged (seriously?)....need I go on. I've been told I'm not good with change and I have come to agree with this. I am more of the type of person who makes the plan and sticks with the plan. My plans for my senior year of college........ptffff NO WHERE near what I expected. But....I have decided that's OK. Fate is a funny thing. Some of my plans have followed through...just in the least expected way possible.
So these new changes in my life. I've gotta accept them and roll with them. I've realized reconnecting with people that have fallen out of my life has given me a new perspective...a good one. I find myself questioning why I ever let them fall out of my life? Spending time with old friends and your family allow you to realize who you once were. That's the nice part. Realizing who you were and who you are now. It is like a second chance to choose who you want to be in life and how you want people to perceive you. It's my new motivation.
So tomorrow I am taking this new motivation to have lunch with my three bff's from high school. We labeled ourselves the Fab 4. I mean we were pretty famous...haha. We have fallen out of contact as the four of ourselves so it should be interesting as well as nice to see how it goes. it could be something we all need to realize a lot about our current lives. I'll keep you posted. ; )
Monday, December 14, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
How to Save a Life.
There are 3 ways to loose a life:
1. Death
2. To Love
3. From Yourself
So the big question of a lifetime is...how to save a life?
The funny thing is we watch people loose their lives everyday. We see people die on the news every single day, but the only thing that we do is watch the tragedy unfold and pray it won't happen to us anytime soon. People get bad news about family and friends every day and even if we know this certain individual is given a certain amount of time in their lives we still cannot save it. In my opinion, the way to save their lives is to let them know that those final months, weeks, days, hours, or minutes that they saved your life by being apart of it. They made your life meaningful and all you can hope is that you have done the same and that you've done everything to show them this. Maybe they won't make it to see you graduate college, or to get married, or see your children, or basically start your life as an adult. But you do know that they flourished and made you into the person you are today. Without them in your life you wouldn't have anything you have today.
Maybe it is better to let them go this way. Allowing themselves to slip away from life, a relationship, or the situation that seems to have control over their lives. Maybe it is the way to save a life even it the life in reality is lost.
So you grieve, you expect things to never be the same, and it almost seems impossible to move on but eventually you will realize that they will see you graduate college, get married, have children, and watch you start your adult life from a better place. And you will be at a better place because you know you want them to see the influence they had on your life and how it will always be present. You will always remember what they did for you and only hope to be half the person they were because you know there will never be another one just like them.
So we may not know how to literally save a life...but we do know how to make it seem like we did and eventually we may just have saved more than a life...we may have saved the memories and important value of that specific life.
1. Death
2. To Love
3. From Yourself
So the big question of a lifetime is...how to save a life?
The funny thing is we watch people loose their lives everyday. We see people die on the news every single day, but the only thing that we do is watch the tragedy unfold and pray it won't happen to us anytime soon. People get bad news about family and friends every day and even if we know this certain individual is given a certain amount of time in their lives we still cannot save it. In my opinion, the way to save their lives is to let them know that those final months, weeks, days, hours, or minutes that they saved your life by being apart of it. They made your life meaningful and all you can hope is that you have done the same and that you've done everything to show them this. Maybe they won't make it to see you graduate college, or to get married, or see your children, or basically start your life as an adult. But you do know that they flourished and made you into the person you are today. Without them in your life you wouldn't have anything you have today.
Maybe it is better to let them go this way. Allowing themselves to slip away from life, a relationship, or the situation that seems to have control over their lives. Maybe it is the way to save a life even it the life in reality is lost.
So you grieve, you expect things to never be the same, and it almost seems impossible to move on but eventually you will realize that they will see you graduate college, get married, have children, and watch you start your adult life from a better place. And you will be at a better place because you know you want them to see the influence they had on your life and how it will always be present. You will always remember what they did for you and only hope to be half the person they were because you know there will never be another one just like them.
So we may not know how to literally save a life...but we do know how to make it seem like we did and eventually we may just have saved more than a life...we may have saved the memories and important value of that specific life.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Take a picture.
Take a look back at your favorite picture. What is the picture of? Who's in it? Why is it your favorite? What memory do you hold from that photo?
Pictures hold lots of memories. Mainly good ones. It is very rare to find a picture that holds a bad memory. I have a lot of pictures that I consider my favorites. Every time I look at those pictures I remember the feelings I had, the memories I shared there and with whom, and some times how I wish I could go back to that memory and hold it forever. It's entertaining to look back at your life.
Look way back to high school. Its heartbreaking for me to see yourself. The happiness I had in those years was the kind of happiness you long to last forever. The happiness that comes from pure innocence. Sadness came from saying goodbyes, that were never really goodbyes unless you made them that way. Worry free, just living life as full as possible.
Freshman year of college, it was a trying time in my life, but when I think back now I was surrounded by new friends, new experiences, a life on my own, and someone who loved me dearly. I found myself upset at times that year, not knowing what I exactly wanted from my life. I look back now and my life was ideal. Life was carefree, fun, and all I could ask for.
Sophomore year...came new everything. New relationships and building closer friendships. I have to say that this year has been my best year ever in college. There is not a memory that I don't have from that year that I can ever remember being unhappy. When your that happy you expect it to keep soaring and sometimes it can and other times it can quickly reverse. Having that kind of happiness in life is reassuring, how can life get better from here?
Junior was my year for growing up. I learned a lot about myself this year. It was not my favorite year. When I look through pictures of this period I don't see the same smile I once had. It is at this point you learn the most about yourself from pictures, you can see what you did your best at hiding. This is the other important role of a photograph. Pictures show everything and hide nothing.
Now as Senior year is in full effect, I think back to those dreams I came into college with. How I was so hopeful and so energetic about it all. All those plans are gone. I am not a Kindergarden teacher hopeful, no where near my hopeful engagement to my high school sweetheart, dirt poor, but I do have the best friends that I knew I would make for the rest of my life. I have made other dreams to replace my fallen ones and that's what we have to do. Replace I've made BIG mistakes and I've made some great decisions. It's been a scary last couple of months, but all I know is to have faith, to be hopeful and know that the pictures I take this year are the most important...they are the essential ones that I'll always look back to and know that was my senior year of college.
But as much as we replace in life we will always have our pictures from the past to go back to and remember how we were at that point in our lives. We will remember the hopefulness happiness, sadness, or anger. We will look at how fat or thin, why did we wear that, short hair, long hair, big smile, or not even a grin....it will all be there but when we look at that picture we will know for those few seconds we have those memories we can only go on from there, learn from the past and strive for the best.
So take all the pictures possible because one day when your thoughts get fuzzy those pictures will ALWAYS remain clear.
Pictures hold lots of memories. Mainly good ones. It is very rare to find a picture that holds a bad memory. I have a lot of pictures that I consider my favorites. Every time I look at those pictures I remember the feelings I had, the memories I shared there and with whom, and some times how I wish I could go back to that memory and hold it forever. It's entertaining to look back at your life.
Look way back to high school. Its heartbreaking for me to see yourself. The happiness I had in those years was the kind of happiness you long to last forever. The happiness that comes from pure innocence. Sadness came from saying goodbyes, that were never really goodbyes unless you made them that way. Worry free, just living life as full as possible.
Freshman year of college, it was a trying time in my life, but when I think back now I was surrounded by new friends, new experiences, a life on my own, and someone who loved me dearly. I found myself upset at times that year, not knowing what I exactly wanted from my life. I look back now and my life was ideal. Life was carefree, fun, and all I could ask for.
Sophomore year...came new everything. New relationships and building closer friendships. I have to say that this year has been my best year ever in college. There is not a memory that I don't have from that year that I can ever remember being unhappy. When your that happy you expect it to keep soaring and sometimes it can and other times it can quickly reverse. Having that kind of happiness in life is reassuring, how can life get better from here?
Junior was my year for growing up. I learned a lot about myself this year. It was not my favorite year. When I look through pictures of this period I don't see the same smile I once had. It is at this point you learn the most about yourself from pictures, you can see what you did your best at hiding. This is the other important role of a photograph. Pictures show everything and hide nothing.
Now as Senior year is in full effect, I think back to those dreams I came into college with. How I was so hopeful and so energetic about it all. All those plans are gone. I am not a Kindergarden teacher hopeful, no where near my hopeful engagement to my high school sweetheart, dirt poor, but I do have the best friends that I knew I would make for the rest of my life. I have made other dreams to replace my fallen ones and that's what we have to do. Replace I've made BIG mistakes and I've made some great decisions. It's been a scary last couple of months, but all I know is to have faith, to be hopeful and know that the pictures I take this year are the most important...they are the essential ones that I'll always look back to and know that was my senior year of college.
But as much as we replace in life we will always have our pictures from the past to go back to and remember how we were at that point in our lives. We will remember the hopefulness happiness, sadness, or anger. We will look at how fat or thin, why did we wear that, short hair, long hair, big smile, or not even a grin....it will all be there but when we look at that picture we will know for those few seconds we have those memories we can only go on from there, learn from the past and strive for the best.So take all the pictures possible because one day when your thoughts get fuzzy those pictures will ALWAYS remain clear.
Friday, September 25, 2009
When it hurts so much you can't breathe
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
What if today was your last day?
Last Friday a local ballerina, Elena Shapiro was killed by a drunk driver. I feel like her death has hit close to home. Elena and I used to dance together at Wake Forest University from her mother. I remember her always being so poised and charming. She was a beautiful dance even at a young age and I knew that she was on to big opportunities in her life. It is so frustrating to know someone who made one wrong decision took away something so wonderful away from so many people. A girl like Elena who had so much talent to share and was no where close to finishing her dreams.
It makes me think. What if today was your last day? How would you spend it? Maybe it would be different if you knew that today would be your last day, but maybe it be more of God's plan if you didn't know and you just went on living like you were supposed to. What would be your last thought? Who would you last think about? Would you die with regrets about what you had done to someone, what you didn't accomplish, or what you didn't say? Or would you know that you had done all you could to fulfill all you've ever wanted in life and you were satisfied were you stood.
A thought like that can be inspiring. Life is a gift. It can instantly be gone. I look at my great grandmother who is so close to dying its scary. Some days you can see it in her eyes and other days you could never guess. She is taking every moment she has to get the best out of life while she is here. I take every opportunity that I have when I am at home to get the chance to spend those moments with here. It is one of my life wishes to have her at my college graduation. I want to make her proud and I want to see the promise I have to her to do all I can with my life to make it extraordinary. She has touched my life for the past twenty two years and I want to be able to give this back to her.
Life is not about dwelling about what you don't have or not allowing yourself the opportunity to try. Do not give up, try as hard as you can to get whatever you can. You will succeed if you do try. I have to not give up. I have to not settle. I have to try for the highest goal even if its hard. Never give up on hopes, people, or dreams. They are all easily attainable, we just have to attempt them. Tell people how you feel about them and surround yourself with the people that make your life meaningful.
Make sure when you are saying your prayers at night you thank God for your life. Thanks Him for everything you have, the talents you have, and the chance to live another day. You never know when it could be your last.
RIP Eleana Shapiro.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Leap
OK. So I am going to get back into blogging: one because I need to let my thoughts out and two because I need something to do in classes like CORE which are pointless to my education.
Recently I have been wondering about my future. Where I want to go with my career and where I see myself in a year. I know I want to teach. I teach now at a studio and I love being involved with the students and know that I am the one impacting their dance lives. The question is do I want to start that career immediately? This is where I am leaning more to the negative side. I feel like I have so much potential to go and further my dance knowledge, to attempt to become someone with the talents I posses. I keep seeing my friends venture into internships, grad/medical school applications, and I feel like all I have to look forward to is what I am already doing on a daily basis.
I feel like its time to take that leap, to go for those huge goals that only seem to be dreams. Why not take a chance and think about dancing professionally. Becoming someone and building my name to actually be a well known public figure. Lately I feel like I've just settled for what I have. I haven't pushed myself to the next level. This could come from many reasons, family, friends, trying to plan things moments in life that aren't secure enough to allow myself to put all my eggs in one basket. I feel like maybe its time for a change of focus. What is it going to hurt to make an attempt? At least I can say that I tried, that I took a chance instead of looking back years from now not happy with my life and wishing that I had tried. Having regrets.
Maybe it is a change of scenery. For once maybe I should go where I want to go and take an attempt at what I want to do. Not stick around here because it is the safe choice or because maybe my relationships will fall through with friends or because maybe I will miss out on events in my family. What if this giant leap gets me what I've always wanted....a chance at performing for as long as I can physically make it. It's taken so many events in my life currently to realize that I don't need to fill my life with other peoples lives. Its my chance to concern myself with my life and what I want and need. I'm not trying to be selfish but I am trying to find whats best at the moment. Honestly I feel like this is the best.
I hope to be in NYC one day. Ever since I went back in January I have missed the city, the sights, the opportunities, but not the expenses. I see NYC on TV and movies and it takes all I can not to go and order a one day round trip flight to the city. I need a change of scenery. I need a change period.
So even though it is my senior year in college, maybe its not too late to take a chance at what I want. Maybe trying well at least open new doors. No one said it would ever be easy to do but they also didn't say that it wasn't possible.
Recently I have been wondering about my future. Where I want to go with my career and where I see myself in a year. I know I want to teach. I teach now at a studio and I love being involved with the students and know that I am the one impacting their dance lives. The question is do I want to start that career immediately? This is where I am leaning more to the negative side. I feel like I have so much potential to go and further my dance knowledge, to attempt to become someone with the talents I posses. I keep seeing my friends venture into internships, grad/medical school applications, and I feel like all I have to look forward to is what I am already doing on a daily basis.
I feel like its time to take that leap, to go for those huge goals that only seem to be dreams. Why not take a chance and think about dancing professionally. Becoming someone and building my name to actually be a well known public figure. Lately I feel like I've just settled for what I have. I haven't pushed myself to the next level. This could come from many reasons, family, friends, trying to plan things moments in life that aren't secure enough to allow myself to put all my eggs in one basket. I feel like maybe its time for a change of focus. What is it going to hurt to make an attempt? At least I can say that I tried, that I took a chance instead of looking back years from now not happy with my life and wishing that I had tried. Having regrets.
Maybe it is a change of scenery. For once maybe I should go where I want to go and take an attempt at what I want to do. Not stick around here because it is the safe choice or because maybe my relationships will fall through with friends or because maybe I will miss out on events in my family. What if this giant leap gets me what I've always wanted....a chance at performing for as long as I can physically make it. It's taken so many events in my life currently to realize that I don't need to fill my life with other peoples lives. Its my chance to concern myself with my life and what I want and need. I'm not trying to be selfish but I am trying to find whats best at the moment. Honestly I feel like this is the best.
I hope to be in NYC one day. Ever since I went back in January I have missed the city, the sights, the opportunities, but not the expenses. I see NYC on TV and movies and it takes all I can not to go and order a one day round trip flight to the city. I need a change of scenery. I need a change period.
So even though it is my senior year in college, maybe its not too late to take a chance at what I want. Maybe trying well at least open new doors. No one said it would ever be easy to do but they also didn't say that it wasn't possible.
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